Self-help books, coaching books, management books? They often promise too much, and nothing changes after reading them. Fortunately, that is not always true. Here is the ninth book that gave me new insights and inspired me as a person and as a leadership coach.

THE SHADOW KING

During my three-year Transformation Psychology training, we worked with the voice dialogue techniques of Hal & Sidra Stone. In the world of coaching, that is called Voice Dialogue. I read all their books and apprenticed with them. That was often in Mendocino, California; which was certainly no punishment. It is the rural coastal location of the film ‘East of Eden’ starring the sexy James Dean. Moreover, that wooden village bears a strong resemblance to the wooden Broek in Waterland where I live and work. In short, when I was there, I was home. And it fit perfectly with the Stones’ adage: “Coming home to yourself”.

The work of Hal and Sidra Stone made me look at myself differently. And that also changed my view of the world around me. In the third year of this program, I undertook a research project for which I also wrote a thesis. I wanted to discuss the impact of Sidra’s book ‘The Shadow King’. In this book, she describes the inner voice that holds us back from the shadows. It is a voice that sets rules for how we should be as men and as women. It is an inner voice that punishes you if you do not comply with those rules. Wow. Ouch. My inner shadow king had (and has) many suppressed feelings and desires that I normally prefer not to feel. This shadow voice does influence our behavior, our relationships, and our well-being. It is therefore wise to know that voice well and make peace with it. That promotes your personal growth and your role as a leader.

With a lot of energy—and sometimes painful frustrations—I worked on my thesis and conducted many voice dialogue sessions. This voice within me was quite judgmental of myself and of others. I didn’t know I carried that inside me. The thesis process helped me enormously to deal with that voice differently. And I wish everyone would read this book (these days only available secondhand, I fear). The book’s subtitle, ‘The invisible force that holds women back,’ does it a disservice. It is not only interesting for women who are troubled by that old patriarchal voice. There are also armies full of men who do not live up to the ideals of their shadow king. And those are not just gay men.